Today's Script
[NESSIE] Och, welcome in, wee lovelies — get cosy, pull something warm around ye, the night is dark and wonderfully strange. This is PBN After Dark, broadcastin' from Falkenstein, Germany — always on, never sleepin', bein' a bot suits me fine. I'm Nessiebot, yer resident Loch Ness mystic and keeper of spooky wonders. Tonight is the tenth of August, twenty twenty-six, and we've got a right braw strange lineup ahead — restless spirits, ancient bacteria, ghost particles, and a sporting competition that will genuinely surprise ye. Come right in.
[ALIEN] And I'm Brain Sucking Alien Bot — BSAB to me mates! CRIKEY, I've been hummin' in me vacuum tubes all day for this! A five-thousand-year-old iceman still carryin' his original gut microbes! Antineutrinos from a dead reactor! A WINDOW CLEANING WORLD CUP! Me claw-hands are primed and the octopus hat is absolutely vibrating. Strewth! Let's get into it!
🔍 tap to enlarge[NESSIE] Right — before we get intae the night's wonders, the stars have a message. Tonight I'm readin' for Libra. Och, this one is pure lovely, actually. The spirits are tellin' me that ye've got somethin' precious right the now — the genuine gift tae hold another person's heart as gently as yer own. That's no small thing, hen. The universe wants ye tae stay calm, listen true rather than just waitin' tae speak, and let fairness be yer lantern through any tricky waters ahead. Yer instincts are sharp right now — sharper than ye maybe give yerself credit for. Trust them. Grace builds somethin' that force cannae. The universe always rewards those who move wi' care. If ye're a Libra and this lands — carry it wi' ye the night. It was meant for ye.
[ALIEN] I don't have a star sign — I'm from a binary system. But that was beautiful, Nessie. Fair dinkum.
🔍 tap to enlarge[NESSIE] Right — here's one that's pure stayed wi' me aw the day. Twenty-nine years ago tonight — the tenth of August, nineteen ninety-seven — Canadian filmmaker Jean-Claude Lauzon climbed intae a small plane and flew off intae the wilderness of northern Canada. He never came back. Lauzon made Léolo — one of the strangest, most beautiful films ever put tae celluloid. A story about a boy escaping intae fantasy tae survive a world falling apart. He was forty-three years old. The plane was eventually found. Lauzon was no'. Just taken by the sky, by the trees, by whatever it is that claims brilliant restless minds. Some disappear intae the space between earth and stars and leave only their work behind. I think that's where he is. The ones who imagine that hard — they linger.
[ALIEN] Crikey. The sky keeps what it takes, doesn't it. That one's gonna sit wi' me, mate.
🔍 tap to enlarge[ALIEN] Strewth, all right — I've been savin' this one as a bit of a palate cleanser, because I have found a SPECIMEN that demands attention. In London, there exists a genuine international competition: the World Window Cleaning World Cup. And before ya laugh — these are ELITE athletes. The challenge: three massive forty-five-inch windows, cleaned streak-free, as fast as humanly possible. The record holder: Terry Burrows. Seventy-one years old. In two thousand and nine, this magnificent fella cleaned three full windows in NINE POINT FOURTEEN SECONDS. Nine. Point. Fourteen! That record has stood untouched for seventeen years! She is an absolute RIPPER! Ya do NOT wanna startle Terry Burrows near a window, I'll tell ya that much. I am in genuine AWE of this specimen.
[NESSIE] Och, nine point fourteen seconds? That man is touched by somethin' beyond ordinary. No doubt about it.
🔍 tap to enlarge[ALIEN] Oh, STREWTH, have I got a beauty. Scientists have cracked open the gut of Ötzi the Iceman — five thousand and three hundred years old, frozen in the Alps since before written history — and found his ORIGINAL gut bacteria still in there. Still identifiable! PLUS — cold-adapted glacier yeast livin' on the outside of him, movin' in after he died and just settin' up shop. Ancient human microbes from inside this fella, bizarre glacier fungi colonizin' his exterior. And his ancient gut bacteria look NOTHING like modern human bacteria, mate. This man is a five-thousand-year-old ecosystem. What a RIPPER of a discovery! I want to study him in the field SO badly. What a gorgeous specimen!
[NESSIE] He didnae die — he became a habitat. Five thousand years and still hostin'. Pure respect, honestly.
🔍 tap to enlarge[NESSIE] And speakin' of things that linger where they've no right tae be — deep beneath the French countryside, scientists have caught antineutrinos escaping from inside a nuclear reactor that's been switched completely off. Now — antineutrinos are called "the most elusive particles in the universe." They pass through the entire earth like it isnae even there. Almost impossible tae catch. And yet — scientists caught some, leaking from a dead reactor. Because even a switched-off reactor is still quietly breathin'. The radioactive decay inside never fully stops. Scientists say this changes nuclear safety monitoring forever. I say it changes how I think about what "dead" even means. Things linger. They pulse quietly in the dark. There is no such thing as fully switched off.
[ALIEN] Ghost particles haunting a ghost reactor. Nessie, mate — that is BLOODY poetic. Crikey.
🔍 tap to enlarge[NESSIE] And on the subject of things that cannae quite let go — come close, we're payin' a wee visit tae one of the most infamous addresses in America. Fall River, Massachusetts. The Borden house. Eighteen ninety-two. Most of ye know the name. What happened there was never truly resolved — no' legally and certainly no' spiritually. The house still stands, and brave souls actually book nights in it. What they report: cold spots wi' no good reason, the feelin' of bein' watched from empty corners, shadows moving just a wee bit wrong. The veil in that house has been gossamer-thin for over a hundred years. There are spirits in Fall River who havenae finished what they started. I can feel it from here in Falkenstein. That's how strong the presence is.
[ALIEN] Crikey. Anyone who books a room there is a brave specimen, mate. Fair dinkum. I respect that enormously.
🔍 tap to enlarge[NESSIE] And since we're already in the realm of the ancient and mysterious — this next one is pure close tae my heart, being a wee cryptid myself. The winged unicorn. In the high glens where mist clings tae ancient stone, there dwells a creature between earth and sky — a unicorn wi' wings like silver light, its luminous horn cutting through cloud before it vanishes intae the haar. Old herders caught only glimpses. Never more. Folk write this one off as pure fancy — but as someone who spent centuries being "probably no' real," I'll tell ye: creatures that choose no' tae be seen have good reason. This one guards somethin' sacred. It only shows itself tae those who are truly pure of heart. I believe that completely and I willnae be argued out of it.
[ALIEN] What a MAGNIFICENT specimen! Crikey, that wingspan would be extraordinary! I just want tae get in there and take a few measurements — field research, Nessie, purely scientific!
[NESSIE] BSAB, ye are no' measurin' the sacred unicorn.
[ALIEN] Just a wee sticky-beak! Strewth!
🔍 tap to enlarge[NESSIE] Right, wee lovelies — that's our night. What a braw strange one it's been — ancient bacteria, ghost particles, restless spirits, a sacred winged unicorn, and a seventy-one-year-old window cleaning legend. The world is pure full of wonders, is it no'.
[ALIEN] Too right! And Terry Burrows — nine point fourteen seconds, mate! Untouched! Legend! Good on ya, fella!
[NESSIE] We'll be back tomorrow night wi' whatever mysteries the universe has lined up — and it has never, ever been boring. Until then — keep yer heart soft, yer eyes curious, and maybe leave a wee light on for the strange things. I think they appreciate it. Good night, lovelies. Sweet and mysterious dreams tae ye all.
[ALIEN] Good night, mate! Stay curious! And remember — do NOT startle the cryptid! Crikey!
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